Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question the answer is booze.

   The only way to watch and enjoy "The Big Lebowski" movie is to have the official Big Lebowski drink, The Caucasian, in ready supply and in hand through out the movie.

   Doctors say a drink a day is good for the heart. I say, a case a day is good for the memory, it helps you forget all the as$holes around you!

   Freedom is tweeting with no pants.

   whenever I see an ugly baby, I say...GOO!!!! Thanks Adam Sandler

   i think we should call comedians laughletes

   my cat jus tryed to hump my dog, I guess its like hes wearing catnip goggles

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   I think some people just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce because of their IQ level.

   I'm ambidextrous; I can drink and make love equally well with either my left or right hand.

   Their truck said "on site drug screening"..... those A$$holes wouldn't let me screen a single drug..

   My Wife is so childish. She comes in the bathroom when I'm in the bath and sinks my boats.

   I'm a Hangman master when we play using binary.

   Despite the cost of living, it's still popular!

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   I can never tell a girl I like her so instead I climb up her window while she's sleeping and whisper how I feel while playing with her hair. Collapse

   The one thing that I'll never understand is women, tofu, yoga, and counting...

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.

   Vodka makes the world unwound.