Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women. Can't live with them, can't finish this joke without having to sleep on the couch.

   This girl tells me "you only call me when your bored "ughhh.... duhh!! why would I call you when i'm busy?!?

   Not having to set an alarm for the next day is one of the best feelings in the world!

   My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

   They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.

   Does anyone else's leg falsely alert you that your phones vibrating? I hate that!

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   Sanity is a luxury not meant for everyone

   Satan called, he wants his weather back..

   I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!