Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to call my toilet The Dumper, now I call it the Donald Trumper.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   There is a thin line between love and hate. It starts about halfway through the joint.

   Sorry to disturb ya'll, but does anybody know where I can apply for a strip club franchise? (asking for a friend).

   Don't try to win over the haters, you are not the JURK wisperer.

   Do dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa?

   In 2013, my first status will be “is anyone alive?”

   It's National No Bra Day! Except for you fat lady!

   OK... This Addiction with raking has got to stop,,,, If you pick up that rake again,,, I'm leafing....

   Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!

   Alot of commercials nowadays are just knock offs of the Oldspice commercials with a very dramatic main character and a suprising plot twist at the end.

   Sometimes it's easier to act like you don"t care, than to admit that it's killing you.

   Announcing that you need to pee just because it feels necessary.

   It's no wonder I am claustrophobic.I like fresh air, open space & my head out of my a$$....Unlike slow drivers in the fast lane driving w/the blinker on for miles :(

   you're cool and I'm hot, we should meet in the middle and stay warm...

   Well, I'd like to help… but not as much as I'd like not to

   Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

   how long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on.

   That uneasy moment when someone is getting accused and taking some heat for something you did.

   I just discovered that if you slap the word "phobia" next to any other word, you can be afraid of pretty much anything.