Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would like to warn everyone about the upcoming election, I wont be starting any posts but by golly if it comes up in my news feed be prepared for a piece of my mind. To avoid pieces of my mind showing up in your news feed please dont post on mine.

   In case you were wondering if I smoke pot or not, I just went in my bedroom for my phone charger and left with my belt.

   I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.

   Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   Don't think you can bring that $hit from other places here and get away with it!!

   I'm feeling kinda tired but that's OK. There's a nap for that.

   you're so stupid, there's not a bus short enough for you.

   People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust

   Women should date zombies. Those things would want them for their brains and not their bodies.

   I have 98.9999 problems because rounding up is one of them...

   I may have to bite the bullet & get it on with Sue. She's a 4ft psycho with questionable hygine but times are hard. I deserve happiness too.

   Clean bill of sexual health. C'mon ladies, I'm marginally better than loneliness!

   I'm the funniest person I know. I've got to meet more people.

   Wow, you couldn't win your online argument so you decided to correct their grammar. You really showed them, you're so god damned thug life!

   The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

   I was wrong about two things about our first NFL game: The Giants winning and the Cowboys losing...

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Eating

   Text me on whatsapp then call me when I ignore you and I'll start digging your grave.

   When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

   Her: I think it's over. Even after we made love last night he showed no emotion and just rolled over and went to sleep. Him: I hate it when my team loses. Oh well, I least I got some pu$$y!