Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every year for Halloween, Kanye West dresses up as Kanye West.

   Sorry I pee peed all over your bathroom, but my Shakira ringtone came on and my hips reacted naturally.

   I got a sixth degree black belt in I don't give a f**k. . .

   The moment you understand the value of life, is the moment you die.

   If it burns when I pee that just means someone's thinking about my junk right? RIGHT!? GUYS SERIOUSLY

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   You know you've had a bad day when you die.

   Babies never smile in their pictures. Why are they so pissed???

   I really miss childhood. You know, sometimes I pee on my bed just to remember what it's like.

   waiter: "what would you like to drink?" me: "тнє вℓσσ∂ σƒ му єηємιєѕ" waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter:... me:... waiter: "is pepsi okay?"

   I'd rather shave my crotch with an AIDS infested razor I got from a hobo than befriend your dog on Facebook.

   Why can't a pony sing? ............Because it's a little horse.

   Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

   I don't do the "walk if shame", I do the "stride if pride!"

   I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

   I just wish Justin Bieber was around when Michael Jackson was in his prime.

   My feelings?... I wont tell you. I don't want you to hurt them...

   @nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   Never hold your nose and cover your mouth while sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs.