Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanted to eat something sweet with a hole in it for breakfast, but I had to settle for a donut.

   Magic Mike is going to get more guys laid tonight than roofies.

   Few things are more annoying than someone setting a good example.

   I slept like a baby last night! (I woke up crying because I was hungry)

   Just had a Sausage Sundae from McDonalds..apparently its their answer to Burger Kings Bacon Sundae...McBarf...

   I like picking up lone hitchhikers cause then when I am pulled over the weed is his.

   Don't understand why everyone is so excited about "breaking wind". Everytime I break wind people just run away!!

   Wrote a screenplay called "Primal Justice" about a high dollar lawyer gorilla torn between his code of ethics & his lust for power/bananas.

   feels great today....yesterday to combat the Tryptophan drowsiness he marinated his turkey in red-bull!

   Retweeting about a good cause is the definition of, "the least I could do."

   I swear all my tweets end up in an empty room in brazil.

   out of her mind. Please leave a message and the men in the white coats may let me return your call sometime soon.

   I'm on the road to happiness and ain't a stop sign in sight :-)

   X says Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Kevin Arnold from the wonder years

   I throw lemons at life and say learn how to live.

   dont ask me to lower my standards for you to raise your average!!

   If you don't drink, you're boring and all your stories end the same way with, “and then I got home and went to sleep.”

   Instead of sending me this annoying 21 Questions App invite, why dont you just inbox me your 21 questions and I will answer right away?

   I Wish they could take my sex longevity, bottle it and sell it

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.