Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm inevitably brought to justice for my crimes against humanity I hope I'm found "incredibly" guilty and not just "regular" guilty.

   Instead of a fox, I would have had the Carfax mascot be a fax machine.

   Just hired a cat sitter to sit on my cat.

   If you're looking for the Poop emoticon on Whatsapp, go straight to the "people" tab.

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   The only people who piss me off are the ones who convert oxygen into carbon dioxide.

   For Fathers Day I made breakfast in bed for my dad. It's extremely hard to cook food while in bed, and now his bed sheets are ruined.

   She says I am her one and only love, but she has a whole photo album dedicated to Brad Pitt while my single pic on her page is languishing under wall pictures.

   I wanted to eat something sweet with a hole in it for breakfast, but I had to settle for a donut.

   Magic Mike is going to get more guys laid tonight than roofies.

   Few things are more annoying than someone setting a good example.

   I slept like a baby last night! (I woke up crying because I was hungry)

   Just had a Sausage Sundae from McDonalds..apparently its their answer to Burger Kings Bacon Sundae...McBarf...

   I like picking up lone hitchhikers cause then when I am pulled over the weed is his.

   Don't understand why everyone is so excited about "breaking wind". Everytime I break wind people just run away!!

   Wrote a screenplay called "Primal Justice" about a high dollar lawyer gorilla torn between his code of ethics & his lust for power/bananas.

   feels great today....yesterday to combat the Tryptophan drowsiness he marinated his turkey in red-bull!

   Retweeting about a good cause is the definition of, "the least I could do."

   I swear all my tweets end up in an empty room in brazil.

   out of her mind. Please leave a message and the men in the white coats may let me return your call sometime soon.