Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It might get dark and really cold in winter but at least it doesn't stay like that the whole year like your soul.

   okay...who the hell keeps kicking my shoes under the bed.

   all I ask for is 100% loyalty, no strings attached.

   jealous of his parents because he will never have a kid as awesome as theirs.

   Happy Hump Day this. It's too far in to see the weekend from either direction.

   For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.

   A woman who is clear on her desires, takes and does not wait to be taken.

   It's going to feel real good to wack the next person I catch in the office kitchen who leaves a half peice of paper towel on the roll and finds it to lazy to open up a new one!!!

   It's going to feel real good to wack the next person I catch in the office kitchen with the paper towel roll that has half a piece left due to their lack of laziness!!!

   me watching the olympics making me feel fat

   My dream girl would be my worst nightmare.

   I like women, but not twitter women. (they have pen!ses)

   My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.

   They ignore you now, but they'll need you later.

   It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

   When they cut up carrots for frozen mixed vegetables,they get all these perfect squares.What do they do with the curved part?I spent the better part of a night trying to reconstruct one from the bag and there were no pointy ends either.

   The first person who offers to tell you about the facts of life usually doesn't have a clue...

   wants to be the very best, like no-one ever was

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me.