Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's going to feel real good to wack the next person I catch in the office kitchen with the paper towel roll that has half a piece left due to their lack of laziness!!!

   me watching the olympics making me feel fat

   My dream girl would be my worst nightmare.

   I like women, but not twitter women. (they have pen!ses)

   My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.

   They ignore you now, but they'll need you later.

   It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

   When they cut up carrots for frozen mixed vegetables,they get all these perfect squares.What do they do with the curved part?I spent the better part of a night trying to reconstruct one from the bag and there were no pointy ends either.

   The first person who offers to tell you about the facts of life usually doesn't have a clue...

   wants to be the very best, like no-one ever was

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   If your life involves less drinking and cursing, it's gonna involve less of me.

   I mean I was in a good mood, but that was before I wake up.

   Thanks for the suggestion, serving size... I've had a good laugh,, and will now make you feel stupid for being so wrong.

   just write any numbers in the sudoku boxes. It doesn't matter. We're all gonna die

   I'm at one of those awkward stages in my weight loss effort where one belt notch is too loose and the next one is too tight.

   Be wary of programmers bearing screwdrivers. Be VERY wary of programmers bearing soldering irons.

   We just Brexited Earth

   Wtf? I like something and the site reverts back to page 1!

   The only real model we have for a trump presidency is the movie "first kid"