Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   if you have ever bought clothes to match the color of your crocs you need to seriously rethink your life.

   it just me? Or are the three finalists at the end of Funniest Home Videos never the funniest?

   It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....

   I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...

   Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

   There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.

   If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2

   Autocorrect has been around for centuries, I got mine when I married my wife.

   If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!

   How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!

   Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.