Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Excuse me but are these coffins gluten-free?

   Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner than as a lying hypocrite.

   A couple in their 80's decided to date. The woman asked the man right off the bat about sex. "What about sex....how often do you expect to have sex?" The man said, "In-frequently." She goes, "Is that one word, or two?"

   "I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!

   Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.

   Just when my nightmares were over about you, you walk in my life in reality.

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   can't come into work tomorrow due to Canuck Hangover

   "Work hard bt make tym 4 ur luv, family & friends. Nobody remembers ur assignments and powerpoint presentations on ur funeral" - Some smart guy

   Don't tell me your sorry when your not, you only say sorry when you get caught.

   Who can really hear themselves thinking?

   Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.

   It's perfectly normal and all-American to eat peanut butter off of a steak knife ;) Just be careful!

   I'm thinking that Barney Frank's boyfriend already had a position at Fanny....

   If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie!

   The awkard moment where you say, "it's not me, it's you"....via text

   Use tSpelling bee on ESPN. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball.

   If you don't like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!

   Losing his kidneys at candy mountain