Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating is like shopping. No one is new off the shelf. We're all in a second-hand store looking for the vintage gem someone else cast aside.

   Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

   My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

   Ahhh Steak and BJ Day we meet again both well done please

   If you took all the babies on earth and stacked them head to toe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, That would be kidnapping.

   Those yoga pants are too shear ~ no man ever

   On Fridays I like to spend my lunch at the old folks home dragging my feet around the carpet and shocking them...... I saved 8 lives last month

   for girls night out, my wife takes a hundred dollar bill. For guys night out, I take a hundred dollar bills!

   I think of my whole day as "puttering around before bed".

   Women are like roads. They will take you to new places, they have beautiful curves, and I'm probably going to drive my car onto one soon.

   I just booked my Spring Break vacation in North Korea! I can't believe the cheap deal I got!!

   I'm gonna survive tomorrow cause I got a pack of sensu beans and all 7 dragonballs. I'm good.

   "You are what you eat" That's funny, I don't remember eating a legend lately...

   I'm sitting next to a fat bulldog and you have the nerve to blame ME for that stinker, woman?.....(well played I say to myself).

   bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?

   La, la, la,,♫♪♫,,,,,,I have a structured settlement, but I need crap now....

   I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...

   Daries Allani ‏@Dallani She had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her Prince Charming... ...and by "kiss" I mean "blow" ...and by "frogs" I mean "black guys"

   Facebook makes stalking that special someone so much easier.

   My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face...