Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will E.L. James' next book be called "Fifity Shades of Gay"?

   JOHN 12:49 - For I did not speak of my own ACCORD. Translation - Jesus drove a HONDA but he did not boast about it.

   When I was born God gave me two choices, I could either be good in bed or have a great memory..Sh !t I forgot what I was going to tell you.

   Congrats to Hacksaw Mike Duggan for Becoming Detroit's first white mayor in 40 years. Let the violence begin!

   Dear In and Out Burger, I hate you!! Signed, Someone Who Works Down the Street

   If it wasn't for Me, it would just be Aweso

   The guy who stands in the entrance of Walmart and says "Welcome to Walmart" must say it so many times, he probably wakes up at night yelling it.

   (Whitney) Houston, we have a problem.

   so horny that i'm turned on by the crack of dawn

   wishing that girl on Maury would hurry up and find her baby daddy already!

   We should ask Mexico to be our 51st state. We'd have people to do the jobs we don't want to do and would get the jobs back they sent there. Plus, some great real estate!

   you may have won this stare contest... SUN! But I'll definitely be triumphant tomorrow! ...now time for the moon

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   Jack Frost nipped my nose, so I hit him in the snowballs!

   bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time

   ending every sentence with "I'm Batman" instantly makes everything you say sound bad ass."

   ‎84 yr old Queen Elizabeth just started a facebook page. I'm going to poke her.

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

   finds it satisfyingly funny that the initials for Valentine's Day are "V.D."

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...