Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come when you see it, it's so wrong... But when I pay $2.99 a minute for it, it's ok

   I love sitting with her at night, holding hands, imagining life without her.

   A good and funny punishment for any man who hits a woman is to be thrown in a cage full of hungry lionesses. Those b itches don't play.

   If you're undecided...vote for the one that held the most babies...

   if Big Foot's actually existed don't you think someone would've found a skeleton by now??

   We have 187 friends in common and I still have no idea who you are...

   Oh crap... you said laser tag? I thought it was taser tag. Well hopefully that kid wakes up soon... sorry about that.

   im gonna be late for work tomorrow!!! if they ask why I'm late.. I'll tell them... last night I realized that my family was a priority. so I woke up them up and we chilled.

   It takes many nails to build a crib, but just one screw to fill it.

   Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and I throw a rock at it who wins?

   Cleaning out my closet while listening to "Cleanin' out my closet" Priceless.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.

   it just me or does everyone look into a mirror and then look for the "Like" button.

   always place women on high pedestals, it helps you look up their skirts better.

   #1 female lie: "I have a headache" #1 male lie: "I'm on my way"

   Tomorrow is Steak and BJ Day. I won't be celebrating. It's not like anyone would treat me to Steak and Berry Juice anyway...

   Encyclopaedia Britanica is going out of print after 244 yrs & I know that for a fact cos I read it on the Internet.

   While playing football with friends: Fat guy = goalkeeper.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.