Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a man that comes out of a bathroom with dry hands...

   MLIA view Today, one of my friends said to me if you say "Gullible" really slow, it sounds like ice cream. I said "Ice Cream" really slow and then I said, "Wow! It does!" He responded with, "No, you're supposed to say gullible slowly." And I reply with,

   I don't have pet peeves-I have major psychotic f##cking hatreds!!!

   It seems what America should really be having is loan shark week.

   I went from fat to fit ... but only on the "how do you compare physically to the President" scale.

   The people have spoken. Now Women, GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN

   When America was great, we were enemies with Russia. Just saying.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash. no hope and no jobs. Hope nothing happens to kevin Bacon.

   thought Brett Farve was done throwing TD passes to Greenbay Packers....does last nights touchdowns count towards his Packer stats?

   next time my name is in your mouth I hope you choke on it ass =)

   learned that you should never say "boom" at the airport. looks like i'm missing my flight

   This Christmas I'm going to surround the fireplace with bubblewrap so I can catch that Santa and ask him why he never got me that pony when I was little and see how he is going to make it up to me or I will hold Rudolph hostage.

   could it be? Is that water you are walking on? Oh wait, that is just your sh!t hole, sorry about that... thought you were someone who could judge others..

   Saw Jack B. Nimble today at the candlestick store. Don't know why he has to jump over those things! Seems too risky.

   Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

   been to the dark side...they lied about the candy

   I need to throw that guy a "get a life" jacket...

   BP Consulting with Toyota about Making Things Stop

   These high gas prices sure have made it hard to land on the dollar when filling up.

   loves each and every one of you. Happy opposite day everyone!