Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend... Dogs are a mans best friend... Now, who's the smarter sex?

   I rather be proven wrong scientifically than lied to religously.

   AC/DC concerts are where old people like to get together and show off their jean jackets.

   Every American President inherits a sworn duty to protect Israel. Protecting Israel costs money and lives. Losing money and lives while trying to protect Israel can cost an American president his job. Its a viscous circle.

   that awkward moment when two peodos both pretending to be kids arrange a meeting over facebook and then meet up

   NASCAR: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

   What's the big deal with the 2 idiots that snuck in for a white house party for a couple hours? I can't turn on the news without seeing them. "W" pulled the same trick in 2000 and stayed for 8 years and he didn't get that kind of coverage!

   White House says Obama's "Daily Show" appearance was a success... In related news, the White House says Obama successfully poured cereal in his bowl this morning.

   Don't forget to change your clocks tonight and to change your president on Tuesday

   my biggest pet peeve is these morons who can't type words correctly or know how to use punctuation. Scense is not a word and when in the English language do you ever use ,,,,,,,,?

   If you see a prisoner or a married man asleep, do not wake him perhaps he is dreaming of freedom.

   Barry Bonds is on the baseball hall of fame ballot this year. I hope he doesn't get a big head...

   Welp. Looks like I broke my new years resolution regarding procrastination....Guess who just p00ped their pants.

   can't they put some damn rails up along the subway tracks in NYC???

   Had a burger bought from Tesco earlier, got the trots now...

   Facebook, Helping stalkers since 2004.

   Logic of an ex girlfriend: You where sh*t in bed anyway So why sleep with me for 3 years then?

   there's a thin line between love & hate & it's located on marriage certificates rite under the signatures

   Hey "Celebrity Chef", why don't you whip me up a sandwich and go f you c k yourself.

   Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects.