Funny Status Messages
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I saw some stupid thugs outside of JC Penny's with their pants a saggin'...Idiots had no idea that the pants 20% off was inside the store. 
It's awkward when a sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.
Thunder only happens when it's raining..Players only love you when they're playin..
Hot cashier: "Would you like cash back?" Me: "Id rather have your phone number." Yep it worked.
not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.
Time lives forever so how can the Mayans predict Time when Time existed long before they even started to make a calender....That's like Snooki saying she'll look hot 103 years from now.
Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known as 3 Dudes.
I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!
You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money
:Where do all the balls go after they neuter your animals?
UHHHHHHHH!!!.....UHHHHHHHH!!!!.....UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!....UHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh, sorry; just playing tennis with myself.
money is not the root of all evil. The LOVE OF MONEY is the root of all evil. Big difference.
The ABC's to a good marriage: Air conditioning, Beer, Could you shut up for a damn minute so I can enjoy my air conditioning & beer?!!
"A car with a spoiler is approaching." - Spoiler Alert
Every time I see the car commercial with the family singing Crazy Train, I wonder if Ozzy Osbourne thinks to himself, "Azsedgbhnmiolp!"
Hates it when he gets to his exit on the freeway. It's such a turn off.
Brutally honest: The two reasons I would like a girlfriend are 1) consistant sex and 2) not having to find a date to functions such at weddings, couples nights, New Years Eve, etc...
If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, "keep away from children."
Whenever you feel a warm breeze brush against you, that's the kiss I blew to you.
I hate going to a restaurant and my girlfriend orders food and ends up picking out of my plate. 