Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see old men on the beach with metal detectors, it makes me kind of sad. Can't you vultures just let Robocop enjoy his vacation?

   Are raccoons supposed to be inside or outside cats?

   I had a Chris Brown joke saved up but it looks like somebody already beat me to the punch.

   My girlfriend fell out of the bed naked last night...Does the 5 second rule still apply?

   We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please

   When I voted I wrote Abraham Lincoln in for president and Bill Clinton in for Vice President , Because 2 things this country has Too much of is vampires and ho'z !!

   i think before a member of congress makes a speech they should be drunk ....that way they wont lie

   Apparently the Colorado and Washington girl scouts are adding a new brand or cookie for sale this year. Apparently its a cheeto's flavored brand called "Baker's delight."

   Typical lol, how all of Boston is on lockdown and businesses are close, except for the Dunken doughnuts which is mandated to run for the duration of the Manhunt!

   Now everyone in America is gonna want a yard boat

   Fun thing to do # 58: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.

   What the world needs now...is more toilet paper...because there is just too much bullsh*t floating around.

   Free range chicken, because freedom is delicious.

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day? A: the bat phone, duh

   Men, if you aren't prepared to hear all about my ex, don't ask me how I'm doing…

   A kick in the nuts is above 9000 del (units) of pain, which is similar to giving birth to 160 kids and breaking up to 3200 bones at a time

   Its cute when a slut demands respect. B!tch the only thing your are getting is an STD.

   italian food has many pastabilities...

   I bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel...