Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the world needs now...is more toilet paper...because there is just too much bullsh*t floating around.

   Free range chicken, because freedom is delicious.

   Wife says; "If your fantasy is to have 2 women in bed you cn forget it because I won't do it!" Me; "You wasn't one of the two in the fantasy anyway so, I am good with that." Wife; (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day? A: the bat phone, duh

   Men, if you aren't prepared to hear all about my ex, don't ask me how I'm doing…

   A kick in the nuts is above 9000 del (units) of pain, which is similar to giving birth to 160 kids and breaking up to 3200 bones at a time

   Its cute when a slut demands respect. B!tch the only thing your are getting is an STD.

   italian food has many pastabilities...

   I bought the wife a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel...

   Guys like it when girls go commando, so I assassinated a Nicaraguan dictator.

   a relationship between two person should be like the relationship between the hand and the eye. If the hand gets hurt, the eye cries, and if the eye cries, the hand wipes its tear.

   Step 1: Invite guys for big game Step 2: Slowly lower volume Step 3: Sneak in teacups Step 4: Eventually turn off TV Step 5: TEA PARTY!

   Ok......I don't think this Black Friday thing is working. I'm still white?

   If you support traditional marriage you are not welcome in Chicago and Boston. "Don't judge me, but if you don't agree with me I will label you a bigot."

   ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?

   If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

   To all my Facebook Friends.....If you are over 20 years old and know the name to a Justin Bieber OR DAMN a Lady Gaga song, PLEASE Delete me as a friend....I don't think I wanna be friends with you!!!

   I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   Teen pregnancy could easily be reduced if clubs had better lighting...