Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   he wind is CraZy this morning... I went out for a smoke and the wind blew my robe plum over my head... I felt like Marylin Monroe ...

   If you're woman put you in the doghouse for no particular reason then head to the cathouse for the same reason.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   Google you remind me of my girlfriend, let me finish my sentence before you give me suggestions!

   ah tuesday, mondays slightly less ugly sister

   If you remember the phrase "Yo Quero Taco Bell", you probably grew up in the 90's.

   Judge if you must but I always wanted an Easy Bake Oven as a kid and earlier this morning.

   So my son keeps getting in trouble at school so I go to meet his teacher and she is Hot.. So after I left the teacher my son says " so now can you see why I love getting asked to stay after class". What can you say to that!!!..jamie wallis

   Hey FB friend, the only time I've acknowledged you ever was thirty seconds after I accepted your friend request I scanned through your photos with negative results.

   So facebook is now making Poke suggestions. And it could be anything on your friends list. God knows I've always wanted to f**k the s**t out of McDonald's.

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.

   Will the last person to leave NY remember to bring a pizza?

   I'm preemptively preparing for the upcoming pancake shortage. 🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥞🥠žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥žðŸ¥ž

   "I am a proud independent black woman." - Melania Trump

   .... In case you are wondering kiddies ..... Bongs are definitely the sound of Unemployment .... So stay away from them ... Well ... unless you're a Democrat .... Then that is probably why you became one in the first place.

   Looking forward to the nuclear disarmament talks with Justin Bieber next month.

   I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.

   All Women Do Is Drink Wine And Order crap Off Amazon

   I miss the 80's. (The temperatures, not the decade.)