Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all have a drawer by the sink filled with junk. Can you please check your drawer for a Boeing 777

   New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But, it shouldn’t give you an opportunity to commit more.

   My boss told me "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

   Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.

   What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were still alive? Scratching on the inside of her coffin lid.

   My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in..

   Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   We are not going to call him President Trump, instead he simply prefers "the Donald"

   Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   Winter is coming. Women about to steal your heart and your hoodie.

   Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since my last confession, and I only ended up here because I thought it was the bathroom...Amen

   *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

   It's better to be a Yankee than a Limie bastid

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"

   The difference between a d*ck and a pen*s is a d*ck pops his collar.

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.