Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk

   Bet you I can throw this under inflated football over them mountains...

   Imagine sex with me. Too late. It's over.

   50 Shades of Gray - A canine biography

   I don't get how people get eaten by sharks....I mean how do they not hear the music?

   How do YOU know your baby doesn't like my second hand smoke? It can't even talk yet.

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.

   I love You Tube. You can look up everthing. It's Google the Movie musical

   We all have a drawer by the sink filled with junk. Can you please check your drawer for a Boeing 777

   New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But, it shouldn’t give you an opportunity to commit more.

   giving away FREE Donkey Punches!

   Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   When I was a kid we were so poor. We couldn't afford Easter eggs so my mom would hide her ben-wa balls in the yard instead. And if we didn't find them all she would be really mad.

   Im single by choice. Not 100% my choice, but still a choice!

   I got a verbal restraining order from the Costco sample lady. Apparently I can't be within 50 ft of a sample cart anymore.

   I like long walks on hot coals and picnics in the ghetto because I'm a thrill seeker.