Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

   If it's good news, I'm taking all the credit. If it's bad news, I'm blaming others.

   Pity Donald Trump never considered building a wall around his trousers.

   I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.

   Go to google, type in 'giraffes are' and check out the auto complete suggestions...

   Obama is going to announce a new plan to get Americans back to work but it won't air until after Labor day.

   I'm not a Gynacologist, But i'll have a look.

   Casey Anthony turned up missing after being released from jail....Florida police plan on sending officers to investigate it----In 31 days.

   With the way he supports them, I won't be surprised if Obama admits that he is also gay!

   BREAKING NEWS!! As a result of the tsunami that hit Hawaii, Barack Obama's birth certificate was finally FOUND... Washed up on shore!! ;)

   Breaking news: Obama to hire George Zimmerman as the new director of Homeland security.

   By my calculations, the entire national debt could be retired, if the impeachment trial was Pay-Per-View. 🧐

   Astronaut: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: We have trump. You're better off up there.

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried :)

   Why don't blind people bungee jump? Because it scares the hell out of the dogs

   i know the world isnt going to end in 2012 cause my yogurt expires in 2013!

   A wise old man once told me, I'm a wise old man so I'm allowed to touch you in the bathing suit area. He taught me alot of things

   see my ex is now on facebook and is married with children. Well one man's trash is another man's recyclable.

   once visited the Virgin Islands ... They are now called the Islands

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.