Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse has not left me yet...

   Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡......

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition..

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   I've definitely got an LOL addiction. I can't stop texting, typing, even saying it sometimes...I need help. LOL

   I was violently beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card"

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   Apparently, the answer to WWJD is ……hire Peyton Manning.

   My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm obsessed with nike.. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "just do it"

   If you watch Titanic backwards it's about a magical ship that saves people

   richardmooney26 is George Zimmerman hiding... nowhere to go.. sh*t to do...

   some girls beg, and some girls borrow. some bring joy some bring sorrow. but the best girls suck and swallow

   9 out of 10 men prefer women, and that other guy, well he prefers one of those 9 men.

   This time can Ben Affleck stay behind instead so we can find a suitable Batman?

   Either legalize weed or illegalize feelings

   "Duck Tales" is the original duck dynasty.

   I'm deaming of a white Christmas......but if the white runs out, I'll drink the Red.

   I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"