Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   Dear JB HATERs – I owe my life to Justin. On March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash. One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song, so I got up, and turned the radio off.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   "GOOD MORNING COFFEE"....Meet your maker!!!!

   You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!

   Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.

   So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   Some of my best relationships now are with people who I dont have relationships with anymore.....

   iPad...for when you have your iPeriod

   Okay...someone explain this to me. You have five urinals in a public restroom and are using the one all the way at the end. Someone walks in and....out of the four other available urinals, decides to "neighbor pee" in the one next to you......WTH?!?

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, "No, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"

   3 little sentences that will get you through life...1 "Cover me" 2 "Good idea,boss" 3 "It was like that when I got here".

   The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

   fixed a $2 toy with an $8 tube of glue. Because the rules of economics don't apply to parenthood.

   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave.

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.