Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.

   Every phone should have the same charger!

   No, I'm not "done sleeping." In fact, I will never be done sleeping, I'm merely taking a break in order to earn money so that I may keep my bed in its current, climate-controlled location.

   Word for today: Dipshidiot

   Two blondes fall down a pit. First Blonde: "It's dark in here isn't it..." Second Blonde: "I don't know, I can't see..."

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.

   Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light. then all of a sudden they are pedestrians

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears

   Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some titties...how was your day?"

   I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   ‎5 reasons hurricanes are like Christmas...5) Family & friends out-of state-calling you 4) Last minute shopping in crowded stores 3) Days off from work 2) Candles 1) And at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.