Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   soccer is way more fun to watch when you pretend the ref really wants to play but is too scared to touch the ball

   Looking back on my time taking flight lessons,, I realize why I could never be a pilot. Not because I'm afraid to fly or couldn't handle instructions from the tower,,, but because I kept making machine gun noises at EVERYTHING I saw.

   Just bought a Hyundai but it's sonota big deal.

   Santa, you either take my name off the Naughty list, or I show Mrs. Claus those pictures of you with that little blonde elf that works in the Doll department!

   God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.

   God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.

   I hope Manti's girlfriend likes San Diego.

   Confusion: Father's day in the ghetto

   "Why is it that a insecure person(d.j.t.) needs to express their accomplishments that they never accomplished.

   I tried having a personal relationship with God. But he said he only liked me as a friend.

   I don't know about you, but I think Kanye still has a chance.

   *the year 2050,,,,,, "Grandpa, how did Trump ever get elected? ".... Well, we were a bit distracted, That was the year that adult coloring books came out

   One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.

   The people in 1920 probably thought in 2020 we would have our own space ships and robots... but no. So far we've come up with two-sided tape and rubber bands shaped like animals.

   The Media in a nutshell... On the Flu: "It's going around." On the Coronavirus: It's coming after you, and it's coming hard! Bet on it!"

   FOX News compares the confederate monuments to the 9/11 memorials.....Okay, if you say so. They're FOX News, they are always right, right?

   I was at the park flying my kite and this random guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   The Pet Shop Boys have finished their first ballet score. Which answers the question as to how their music could possibly be any more gay.