Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have beaten so many Japanese people tonight on Mario Kart Wii that they are going to start referring to me as Godzilla

   A slut can't count to 70 because her mouth is full at 69

   sex is my favorite sport

   doesnt get it...Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller

   "Canadians are so polite" - people who have obviously never been to Canada

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.

   This girl I know is having a baby shower at McDonallds hahahahah this isn't a joke....I wish it was but it's not

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate rhyming. PENlS.

   Marijuana: The reason man discovered fire

   I don't get it, what's the big deal with texting and driv

   Whats the similarity between Men and Rats? They all run around looking for Holes

   hates the KKK as much as anyone... but it is kinda neat that they introduced "hoodies" to American fashion.

   Justin Bieber the only daughter that Mr. & Mrs. Bieber have?

   went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

   Definition of "irony" getting pregnant on a pull-out couch

   I'm going to name my first two children George and Trayvon and make them share a bag a Skittles. Its my little way of fighting racism.

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   1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.!!!!!!!!!

   efore kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders