Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it".

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.

   My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   Lost is actually being played out in real life.

   Are you on a date with me or with your phone? Just make sure that phone pays your share of this bill by the end of the night.

   Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he’s gonna get to wear it.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away