Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Dad said if I get 1000 likes, my dog will come back to life!

   Why did they say Duchess Kate went into "labor?" The royals have never worked a day in their lives.

   Anyone who calls someone else a bigot is bigot. Your also intolerant of his view. Dumb@ss.

   If you ever see your girl smiling at her phone, she probably laughing at my posts and picturing our life together after she leaves you.

   After many rewrites, the Bible lost all stories of Jesus' little known brother Carl. Carl could turn wine into water. No one liked Carl.

   Q: What's more disgusting than a hicky on a hemorrhoid? A: The chick that put it there.

   Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   Did you guys hear about the robber that stole a calendar? Yeah, he got 12 months.

   in a relationship ♥ with Samuel Adams

   I got F C and K. The only thing missing is you !

   If God meant me to be naked, he would have made my skin fit better.

   dreaming of a 'backcolor=#FFFFFF' Christmas.

   Did you know that you can bite off your finger as easily as you can bite a carrot? But you're brain is like "No, don't eat your finger." So that's why you can't.

   Can someone please tell me why Johnny Depp has an British/Irish/ or something European accent??? The man is from KENTUCKY... Not Ken-toh-kay... but KEN-Yeee Haw-TUCKY!!!

   was standing in line at the ATM the other day when a elderly lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her

   The next Bond title already causing controversy. "Pissypants Fingerbang".

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   Yesterday, the Dems got what they wanted! Then realized they didn’t get what they wanted. Trump played them. And I’m gonna get what I want in 2020...Trump re-elected!

   Great! My girlfriend's period just came. My bloody Valentine.

   Now, if we could only get some white smoke to come out of the White House's chimney.