Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, I thought I'd save you some time. There's no need to check your list. I've been very, very, naughty. I'll try again next year. P.S Why do you have to be so damn judgemental?

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   off to the printer to have my new t-shirts made. I've got, “I beat anorexia” shirts to sell to fat people and, “I beat obesity” shirts to sell to skinny people.

   Better open some windows. I just ate "weapons grade" chilli!

   ˝You cant fire Duck Dynasty Guy - he has freedom of speech!˝ are the same noobs who wanted the Guns & Ammo editor fired for his pro-gun control column column

   I LOVE JESUS TOO...he's my mexican lover.

   When life hands you women, make women laid

   Kobe is about to pass MJ in points scored. He already leads 1-0 in rapes.

   Dear Interwebs, You guys go nuts over a stupid dress, and now Spock is dead! This is why we can't have nice things. Stop it, K? Thx.

   Tell a woman she looks great 10,000 times, she never remembers, but call her fat just once and she'll never forget it. AmIright? AmIright?

   What idiot called it "hitting the snooze button" and not "clock blocking"?

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.

   Today is the sixth of September, also known as 6/9. A calendar somewhere must be having fun right now.

   I live in a town named Ripley... believe it or not.

   My 3yr old doesn't like onions on his donut! Onions= shredded coconut!

   If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.

   I earned my certification as a freelance gynecologist...now I need a slogan. "No matter the stench...I'll examine the trench" Thoughts?

   Hillary Clinton. A modern-day Hood Robin. Robs from the poor to give to herself

   Hillary bumped into Trump on the way to the White House and she said "Pardon me"...He Replied, "You want another Pardon?"