Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok I've had enough of this winter crap. I say we plot now to take out the groundhog. I got a shotgun.

   off to the printer to have my new t-shirts made. I've got, “I beat anorexia” shirts to sell to fat people and, “I beat obesity” shirts to sell to skinny people.

   Better open some windows. I just ate "weapons grade" chilli!

   Damn girl..you look like you know how to have a good time...at a buffet.

   My girlfriend said she's sick of me 'always being RIGHT'.... So I LEFT

   If your nuts happen to itch while in public, best way is to scratch it from the inside of your pants pocket.

   for the guy saying chasing the American dream doesn't count as exercising, try telling that to the mexicans

   just saw a one armed man walk into a second hand store.

   Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

   Hussein☑ Bin Laden ☑ Ghadafi ☑ Jerry Sandusky ☐.....I'm sending "SEAL Team 6" over to Sandusky's at Penn State to take care of this matter!

   Imagine if there was drinking game called Tim Tebow and you take a shot everytime you hear his name, I believe half of facebook would be hammered.

   Hood word of the day:TIED Usage: I'm not going out tonight bruh, I'm tied as hell

   Im gonna get a bloodhound just so I know when to stay away from home once a month.

   Strip Rock Paper Scissors is my new favorite game.

   trying to engineer how to get rid of the electricals

   Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked be a judge on the next season of the X Factor. Personally I think she made the right decision.

   They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullsh!t because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays.

   Me everyday on Facebook chat: Crap, look who's online…LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT…”Hey whats up?”…damn!!

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   If you ask if I want my beer in a glass, I will punch you in the face for wasting valuable booze time with ridiculous questions.