Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Better open some windows. I just ate "weapons grade" chilli! 
you know you are married when the sportscenter theme song excites you more then your wife's advances
ended their relationship with TOYOTA.
Next time you wanna get laid, crawl up a chickens a$$ and wait.
believes you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress”
Dont tell me the sky is the limit when there are damn footprints on the moon.
Somewhere, instilled in my mind, there is something that tells me that while playing video games if I press harder on the buttons or turn the controller I will be able to run faster, jump higher, turn quicker, or just plain play better. I don't get it. T
Dear Santa, I thought I'd save you some time. There's no need to check your list. I've been very, very, naughty. I'll try again next year. P.S Why do you have to be so damn judgemental?
tried to join a Tourette's support group, but they told me to piss off
My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !
Damn girl..you look like you know how to have a good time...at a buffet.
My girlfriend said she's sick of me 'always being RIGHT'.... So I LEFT
If your nuts happen to itch while in public, best way is to scratch it from the inside of your pants pocket.
for the guy saying chasing the American dream doesn't count as exercising, try telling that to the mexicans
just saw a one armed man walk into a second hand store.
Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Hussein☑ Bin Laden ☑ Ghadafi ☑ Jerry Sandusky ☐.....I'm sending "SEAL Team 6" over to Sandusky's at Penn State to take care of this matter!
Imagine if there was drinking game called Tim Tebow and you take a shot everytime you hear his name, I believe half of facebook would be hammered.
Hood word of the day:TIED Usage: I'm not going out tonight bruh, I'm tied as hell
Im gonna get a bloodhound just so I know when to stay away from home once a month. 