Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonder if they will take as long to clean up new York city as they did new Orleans????????

   I was in the Air Force and had to parachute out of a plane. I didn't want to. The co-pilot said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun don't shine. I jumped. A little at first.

   I am going to open a breakfast restaurant that only serves egg white omelets, and only plays John Lennon music and I will call it “Yoke O No”

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   Men who say ''woman belong in the kitchen'', don't know what to do with them in the bedroom..!

   "That's a dent from my girlfriend's butt from when I ate her out on the hood." I said to the Insurance Agent. He just clicked his pen.

   Everything is pointing to a major worldwide economic collapse in 2013 which will cause a rise in prices, unemployment and homelessness. As a result, there will come a sharp increase gunfire, looting, burning, rape, and murder. Happy New Year!

   I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club

   how do you call yourself WORLD champions when you play yourself?

   Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"

   Just walk up to a blonde and tell her to say "Alpha kenny Body" really fast.

   your shoes so cheap, you click'em three times and you end up in a crackhouse

   I've been dating this girl for only 2 days, and already she is complaining. She says, " When you told me you were hung like a horse, I didn't know you meant a Seahorse"

   This girl was staring at me while licking her lips and I thought to myself 'Wow! She's really flexible.'

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say "I don't know, lets yahoo it"....Sincerely Google

   i wanted to go smoke pot, so I told my mom I was getting tutored. she asked what time I would be back, I told her learning doesn't have a curfew

   Advice for today: Puff puff, Pass...don't get greedy.

   If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   - A blonde text me and said "What does IDK mean?" I text'd back "I don't know." She then text'd me "Dang that sucks nobody knows!"