Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Liquor? I dont even like her.....

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals...

   feels sorry for his girlfriend on days like Valentine's. It's quite difficult not to be with the wife all day.

   You know your poop was good if a few minutes after you flush, your toilet burps.

   Putting your iPod on shuffle… “not this one.” (←_←) “or this one.” (←_←) “BINGO!” ~(','~) (~',')~ \('-'\) (/'-')/ \('-'\) (/'-')/

   Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.

   Last Christmas I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year I'll give it to someone speci....wait a minute! You re-gifted my heart!?!

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....

   SWAG = (S)omething (W)e (A)ll (G)et tired of hearing

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   Wonder if they will take as long to clean up new York city as they did new Orleans????????

   I was in the Air Force and had to parachute out of a plane. I didn't want to. The co-pilot said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun don't shine. I jumped. A little at first.

   I am going to open a breakfast restaurant that only serves egg white omelets, and only plays John Lennon music and I will call it “Yoke O No”

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of the Oklahoma tornados. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   Men who say ''woman belong in the kitchen'', don't know what to do with them in the bedroom..!

   "That's a dent from my girlfriend's butt from when I ate her out on the hood." I said to the Insurance Agent. He just clicked his pen.

   Everything is pointing to a major worldwide economic collapse in 2013 which will cause a rise in prices, unemployment and homelessness. As a result, there will come a sharp increase gunfire, looting, burning, rape, and murder. Happy New Year!

   I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club

   how do you call yourself WORLD champions when you play yourself?