Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the funniest person on Facebook hands down like 6:30!

   Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down? Answer: He heard the snowblower coming!

   Liquor? I dont even like her.....

   Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals...

   feels sorry for his girlfriend on days like Valentine's. It's quite difficult not to be with the wife all day.

   fired her masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   - Wayne Rooney and Alex Ferguson have changed their relationship status to 'its complicated'... Manchester city 'like this'

   RIP Paul The Psychic Octopus... I wonder if he saw that one coming?

   I would like everyone to know I am almost completely rehabilitated from picking my nose while driving. :)

   You know your poop was good if a few minutes after you flush, your toilet burps.

   Putting your iPod on shuffle… “not this one.” (←_←) “or this one.” (←_←) “BINGO!” ~(','~) (~',')~ \('-'\) (/'-')/ \('-'\) (/'-')/

   Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.

   Last Christmas I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year I'll give it to someone speci....wait a minute! You re-gifted my heart!?!

   Supreme Court rules Arizona police may not stop people they believe are illegal immigrants, but must stop Juggalos.

   Look here Dora....If you ever want to see your monkey friend again you are gonna stick these condoms full of heroin in your ass and get them through customs....

   SWAG = (S)omething (W)e (A)ll (G)et tired of hearing

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   Wonder if they will take as long to clean up new York city as they did new Orleans????????

   I was in the Air Force and had to parachute out of a plane. I didn't want to. The co-pilot said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun don't shine. I jumped. A little at first.