Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss high school...only there could you hear at ten in the morning...Bro afta shave on my balls was the worst idea ever

   I'd be more willing to cuddle with my Wife after sex if she'd be more willing to high-five after sex.

   You can't say your girlfriend is a multi-tasker but she likes gangbangs!

   Reason #428 why other countries hate the US. We act like our civil rights have been violated when a waiter says, “We don’t have Coke, will Pepsi do?”

   If you can't speak proper English and use some punctuation when writing, why the hell should I listen to you concerning matters of politics and religion? You haven't even mastered the English language, much less know what's going on in the real world.

   roses are red, violets are blue, yadda yadda yadda, can we have sex now?

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet. But only for about 30 seconds.

   I love when bicthes make status about how much the hate b**ches

   I wonder why these "Occupy Wall St." people can't find a more exciting place to protest like Hooters or Bourbon Street?!...By the looks of most of them, they would be lucky if they could occupy Sesame Street!

   Oops there goes my kids all over your face!

   Alcohol your like my abusive boyfriend, no matter how bad you kick my ass, I always go back to you the next day:)

   tired of trying, sick of crying... Yeah, sure I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying...

   If your thinking of watching...Scott Pilgrim vs. the World...Just shoot yourself in the face now and save yourself some misery.

   Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.

   Does Spiderman cry every time he passes a box of Uncle Ben's rice in the supermarket?

   Guys will go to another barber and feel guilty... but cheat on their girl and go home like nothin happened

   Has anyone seen MySpace Tom on Facebook?

   WTF..Is the statue of liberty doing in my back yard...!!!

   I keep being told what to watch for in the GOP debate tonight......I checked every channel and it's not televised, Thank God.

   how did God create day and night on day 1 but created the sun on day 4?