Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Democrat was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She said 'go ahead ask me, I know'em all.' Her friend said "ok what's the capital of Wisconsin?' She said 'Oh that's an easy one....it's "W"

   The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   BBC NEWS: Five year investigation ends. Vatican accused of laundering money. What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too! *

   Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   Reminder: National Atheist's Day April 1st.......

   Turtles are the easiest animals to pee on.

   - I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

   I miss high school...only there could you hear at ten in the morning...Bro afta shave on my balls was the worst idea ever

   I'd be more willing to cuddle with my Wife after sex if she'd be more willing to high-five after sex.

   You can't say your girlfriend is a multi-tasker but she likes gangbangs!

   Reason #428 why other countries hate the US. We act like our civil rights have been violated when a waiter says, “We don’t have Coke, will Pepsi do?”

   If you can't speak proper English and use some punctuation when writing, why the hell should I listen to you concerning matters of politics and religion? You haven't even mastered the English language, much less know what's going on in the real world.

   roses are red, violets are blue, yadda yadda yadda, can we have sex now?

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet. But only for about 30 seconds.

   I love when bicthes make status about how much the hate b**ches

   I wonder why these "Occupy Wall St." people can't find a more exciting place to protest like Hooters or Bourbon Street?!...By the looks of most of them, they would be lucky if they could occupy Sesame Street!

   Oops there goes my kids all over your face!

   Alcohol your like my abusive boyfriend, no matter how bad you kick my ass, I always go back to you the next day:)

   Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.