Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've come to the conclusion that my Alexa is just another pet by how often I have to tell her no every day.

   Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.

   If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23

   Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.

   From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last abou

   Old: "Click It or Ticket". New: "Mask It or Casket."

   I bet Pavlov felt like feeding the dogs every time a bell rang

   My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

   When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

   Mclovin' it.

   Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.

   I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon!

   Who else thinks the U.S. Marine jailed in Mexico would be getting a lot more attention from the U.S. government if he looked like Obama's son...if he had a son?

   Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and remember all the men, woman and children killed in that horrific alien invasion.

   Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   Almost time for the "Teleprompters State of the union speech".

   Hey Muslims, if you want 72 virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.

   If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America!

   This leftist boycott of Chick FiL A is the first actual economic stimulus of the Obama era........