Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : You're the reason why God invented the middle finger.

   There is a thin line between spirituality and insanity.

   Will somebody let me borrow their Delorean to travel to friday already!

   Thank goodness no one can see what I have open on my other tabs while on Facebook. All I have to do is make sure I don't accidently hit like.

   They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...should we give that a try?

   Hi, I'm Tweeting from casualty. Nothing to worry about, just turns out the new Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   I was at this girls house last night, when I accidentally knocked her tooth brush into the toilet. I reached in and grabbed it quick and put it back. Luckily. I'll never see her again.

   tried to balance the light switch, I should probably go to bed...

   Facebook starting drama since 2004.

   You know the economy is bad when you call the bill collectors to make a payment and their answering machine says there is an 8 hour hold time and to try your call again later.

   I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight.

   wonders what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.

   Recent studies show that watching Jersey Shore kills twice as much brain cells than smoking a joint of marijuana.... ..I totally agree with that, I've talked to many friends who watch the show and mimic it..

   Listen to your heart but double check and confirm with your mind.

   not lookin forward to tonght...the voices in my head party way to hard on fridays!;p

   Just saw a guy driving a beat up car with a bumper sticker that said "My other car is a Porsche ." Why isn't he driving that other car then?

   Things I love like a fat kid loves cake - 1. titties 2. cake.

   Since I don't know how to draw I decided to be an artist

   You may think there is a lot wrong with you, but there is also a lot right with you