F Funny Status Messages

   Wife quote of the weekend: "I can't believe Kim Kardashian is making 2 million dollars off her wedding, and all I made was 2 kids and my father really mad." Thanks, honey, it's all been magical for me too...

   Porn videos that load slowly should say 'muffering.'

   I hate when I think I've found a parking space, only for it to turn out to be a cart corral.

   Ok, fine. I'll admit it. Most of the time when I'm in the bathroom, I'm hiding out from my kids.

   Once you graduate college, pigtails become shorthand for "daddy issues."

   Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from knocking my kids' teeth out is not having dental insurance.

   Things I love like a fat kid loves cake - 1. titties 2. cake.

   We made Gingerbread Man cookies today, and I'm still laughing. My kids were acting out Shrek with them, and one was Lord Farquad: "I'm not the monster, you are! Now tell me where are the others!" The other was the GBM: "Eat Me!" Christmas with kids = win

   The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars