F Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Wife quote of the weekend: "I can't believe Kim Kardashian is making 2 million dollars off her wedding, and all I made was 2 kids and my father really mad." Thanks, honey, it's all been magical for me too...
←Rate | 08-22-2011 13:41 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Porn videos that load slowly should say 'muffering.'
←Rate | 08-20-2011 23:27 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I think I've found a parking space, only for it to turn out to be a cart corral.
←Rate | 07-28-2012 10:48 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ok, fine. I'll admit it. Most of the time when I'm in the bathroom, I'm hiding out from my kids.
←Rate | 08-20-2011 23:30 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once you graduate college, pigtails become shorthand for "daddy issues."
←Rate | 08-22-2011 20:05 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from knocking my kids' teeth out is not having dental insurance.
←Rate | 08-20-2011 23:28 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Things I love like a fat kid loves cake - 1. titties 2. cake.
←Rate | 08-20-2011 23:25 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon We made Gingerbread Man cookies today, and I'm still laughing. My kids were acting out Shrek with them, and one was Lord Farquad: "I'm not the monster, you are! Now tell me where are the others!" The other was the GBM: "Eat Me!" Christmas with kids = win
←Rate | 12-19-2009 19:01 by F Comments (0)  

   messageicon The year I was voted sexiest man alive by People Magazine was the greatest time in my life. Now? It just gets me beat up in bars
←Rate | 09-17-2011 01:51 by F Comments (0)  


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