Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   When I was little I used to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up in bed, now I pass out on the sofa and wake up on the floor.

   if I had to comment your status with "What happened?" and you reply "I don't even want to talk about it...", do you think maybe you should have kept it to yourself?

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

   The captain of the Costa Concordia is maintaining he only abandoned ship before the passengers because he tripped and fell in to a life boat. I find this very feasible as I once accidently tripped and my pen!s fell in to my wife's sister.

   Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"

   ‎"It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It was our job to arrange the meeting." - United States Navy SEALS

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds".

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   For f_€ k sakes! How about something funny instead of intra national hate dialog.

   Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.

   Girls have their phone nonstop. So if they don't text you back within 30 minutes, she ain't feeling you bro.

   All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage?... This status.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...