Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   moved on to a better place & you're not coming.

   some people leave the "smart" out of smartass!

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat...

   : Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat...

   remembers a time when 'Binge Drinking' was simply called 'Getting Pissed'

   says, I love work. I can sit and watch it all day.

   Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   Pull my finger... THEN RUN LIKE HELL!!

   Ever try to get your toothpaste to curl up and look perfect on the toothbrush.. like it looks on the box?

   is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?

   running outta status updates...please post something funny...like a come back status....

   Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!

   The uglier the girl the closer she lives.

   putting his left foot in and taking his left foot out - but he is NOT doing the hokie pokie

   why aren't there any puerto ricans on the show Star Trek? answer..cause they don't plan to work in the future either!!!

   Whoa! I just took a big, stinky Muhammad. Luckily, I've got a nice, porous Koran to wipe my arse with

   If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.

   compulsively obsessed with OCD

   Lindsey Lohan?Yeah i'd definitely hit that...In the head...with a baseball bat.