Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   moved on to a better place & you're not coming.

   some people leave the "smart" out of smartass!

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat...

   : Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat...

   Sexual abuse by clergy, it's not just for Catholics anymore.

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   I had a thought, then it smiled and waved goodbye.

   saw a guy pick pocket a dwarf today. I thought how could he stoop so low?

   I have received many kind wishes for my birthday and want to thank all those who have called, sent FB messages,texts or e-mails they are really appreciated. Special thanks to my wife for renting the Aunt Bee costume and rubber sheets for my bed time gift

   Just seen the Facebook group: "I wish my laptop had unlimited battery".What, a plug?

   Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend.

   Ever try to get your toothpaste to curl up and look perfect on the toothbrush.. like it looks on the box?

   is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?

   running outta status updates...please post something funny...like a come back status....

   Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!

   The uglier the girl the closer she lives.

   putting his left foot in and taking his left foot out - but he is NOT doing the hokie pokie

   why aren't there any puerto ricans on the show Star Trek? answer..cause they don't plan to work in the future either!!!

   Whoa! I just took a big, stinky Muhammad. Luckily, I've got a nice, porous Koran to wipe my arse with

   If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.