Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate

   Intelligence Report: Pakistan may have contributed in housing and hiding Bin Laden. Did it really take an Intelligence Report to figure this out?

   Ever try to get your toothpaste to curl up and look perfect on the toothbrush.. like it looks on the box?

   is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?

   running outta status updates...please post something funny...like a come back status....

   Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!

   The uglier the girl the closer she lives.

   saw a guy pick pocket a dwarf today. I thought how could he stoop so low?

   I have received many kind wishes for my birthday and want to thank all those who have called, sent FB messages,texts or e-mails they are really appreciated. Special thanks to my wife for renting the Aunt Bee costume and rubber sheets for my bed time gift

   Just seen the Facebook group: "I wish my laptop had unlimited battery".What, a plug?

   Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend.

   I had a thought, then it smiled and waved goodbye.

   remembers a time when 'Binge Drinking' was simply called 'Getting Pissed'

   says, I love work. I can sit and watch it all day.

   Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   Pull my finger... THEN RUN LIKE HELL!!

   moved on to a better place & you're not coming.

   some people leave the "smart" out of smartass!

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat...