Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Long Distance Relationships Are For Fat People 
I am woman. Hear me whine.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Just ordered my poster from Vanity Fair of Bruce Jenner to replace my Farrah Fawcett poster
Went to Mcdonals and asked for a sad meal. What?!?!? Dont judge me, Sad people gotta eat too!
Asked my 4 if she'd like to take karate. She said she already does karate... *A smart person would have realized a demonstration was coming.
I expect to see a speeding ticket for a DeLorean going at least 89MPH today.
*2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
The last time I went camping I stayed home.
The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.
When I see a a piece of bruised fruit at the market, I hold it close, give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"
Day 6 - I'm grateful that if I like my health care plan, that I get to keep it. Period.
Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier.
911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"
Why are we not using science to combine animals? Don’t you want a Mouselion friend chillin in your shirt pocket doing tiny adorable roars?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Some of these people I wish would do their ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with a bucket that is a solid block of ice.
I wonder who the first person to see a pig lying in it's own poo and say "I bet that is the tastiest animal on the planet."
I wonder what my dog named me?
Blackl ist IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t 