Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.

   When I see a a piece of bruised fruit at the market, I hold it close, give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"

   Day 6 - I'm grateful that if I like my health care plan, that I get to keep it. Period.

   Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier.

   911 What's your emergency?.. "I JUST FARTED ON A FIRST DATE"... Sir, we don't... "BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION"

   Why are we not using science to combine animals? Don’t you want a Mouselion friend chillin in your shirt pocket doing tiny adorable roars?

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   Some of these people I wish would do their ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with a bucket that is a solid block of ice.

   I wonder who the first person to see a pig lying in it's own poo and say "I bet that is the tastiest animal on the planet."

   I wonder what my dog named me?

   Blackl ist IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t

   Hey girl, how about you dont tell me how much beer I should drink, and I wont tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   Real men should never say, "hehehe", it's "hahaha" or you shut up!

   Diamonds for sale....$50 million shipment just in.

   Let's be Sonny & Cher....I'll get old and show everyone my a$$, and you can ski into a tree and die.

   exercising their right to vote is as close as most Americans get to exercising

   The Bears are the #1 team in the NFL!! Wait, sorry, I was using Electoral College logic...

   People say Alcohol kills too many people. They don't realize how's my people are born because of it.

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving You're Welcome Day.

   I remember yesterday like it was......................what is today's date again?