Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   My boyfriend just brought me flowers.. By boyfriend, I mean dog. By flowers, I mean tennis ball.

   "You won a math debate" .. say it fast and out loud.

   I'll throw my hands in the air, but when it comes to waving them around, don't expect me not to care.

   Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed yo midunderstanding you.

   A "High Class" tattoo has to be the greatest oxymoron ever!

   A priceless moment is when the person that you have fallen in love with, looks you right in the eyes to tell you that they have fallen in love with you...

   comes here for status updates because he doesn't have sick children, could care less about the weather, and already knows what day of the week it is.

   After all these years It finally hit me why Prison/Jail is called "The Pokey"

   went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

   Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.

   Has just realised something; all my role models, idols and people I look upto were all on drugs! :p

   A 9 year old boy goes into a pub and says to the bartender, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." She says, "You're just a kid, do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a few years," said the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section

   No one dies a virgin, life screws us all

   wonders why the Kia Soul commercial doesn't have rats instead of hamsters. I mean, they live in NY, listen to rap music and drive a Kia Soul for Christ's sake!

   which kind of vinegar must your bath towel smell like until you actually get a clean one?

   I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

   usually enjoys Black Friday shopping after he's eaten a heapin' helping of baked beans and broccoli.