Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog doesn't know I stubbed my toe and wasn't yelling at him, he's been hiding under the bed 45 minutes…I think he called the cops.

   The best thing about hanging out with kids is they can't bore you by talking about their kids.

   The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.

   I always say the things better left unsaid.

   I know a lot of women with A.D.D. (Attention Demanding Disorder)

   I thought we were trying to clean up the planet? So why'd the Navy pollute it with the rubbish they picked up in Pakistan today?

   Most schools have renamed Tug of War to "Tug of Strength." What's next? "Tug of Everybody Wins Just By Showing Up?"

   For me to go insane would be such a slight change that I don't think anybody would notice...

   I've got to stop believing everything I think.

   Textaphrenia – thinking you've heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.

   The best selling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks I've consumed

   Since "nobody's perfect," I'm gonna go ahead and take the initiative...

   The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"

   Just saw a commercial for a new show called The Unpoppables...one of the guys in the show said: "There is a thin layer of rubber between success and failure." That should be the new slogan for MTV's 16 and Pregnant...

   Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?

   One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.

   Whoever invented Copy & Paste should have been awarded a Nobel Prize.

   that weird momment when ur pet comes in ur room, stares, then walks back out.

   when you see a sign at a restaurant that says 'employees must wash BOTH hands', I think that's when you have to worry...