Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says America needs a third viable political party like having Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton as presidential candidates for the Republican and Democratic Parties respectively.

   Future Quotes, Quotations & Sayings I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

   Gray hair is God's Graffiti.... Then the Big Guy's been scribbling all over my melon like a newbie gang initiate.

   SHOPPERS: Bored with writing lists for that weekly shop? Simply find discarded lists in trolleys/baskets, and use them! Its spiced up my life.....

   thinks the best part about his job is that her chair spins!

   The key to friendship is to accept the other person's faults. You'll understand this should I ever develop any.

   I am pretty sure it was more then just water Jack and Jill fetched from the hill, because people just don't come tumbling down for no reason and why was Jack wearing a crown I mean come on there is more to this story people.

   Next time you pull up to a BP station, say, "I'll have whatever the pelicans are having."

   Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..

   If I was a bird, I know who I'd s**t on first...

   After a some thought, I am thinking I would LOVE to hear a phone taped conversation between Rod Blagojevich and Mel Gibson!

   once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

   This week the California gay marriage ban Proposition 8 was struck down the same day as the new 2011 IKEA catalog was unveiled. Coincidence?

   Being out of 3G range is like traveling back to an older, friendlier America. Cornfields and songbirds. Churches and farm stands. Also, meth.

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   wonders when when when will I learn to post an independent congrats and not reply to an announcement so that I won't get fifty-seven updates while every other kind person offers their congratulations?

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   Salsa, Olives, Sour Cream Dip, Spread it on a layer of Tortilla Chips, You add some guacomole and some melted cheese, your mouth just made a touchdown right here on NBC!

   I went to the lundromat where there was a sign that read: "Remove clothes immediatley when the buzzer rings!" Needless to say my astonishment when A: I realize I'm the only one in the place naked and B:I was getting tossed out by management!