Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The key to friendship is to accept the other person's faults. You'll understand this should I ever develop any.

   I am pretty sure it was more then just water Jack and Jill fetched from the hill, because people just don't come tumbling down for no reason and why was Jack wearing a crown I mean come on there is more to this story people.

   Next time you pull up to a BP station, say, "I'll have whatever the pelicans are having."

   Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..

   If I was a bird, I know who I'd s**t on first...

   After a some thought, I am thinking I would LOVE to hear a phone taped conversation between Rod Blagojevich and Mel Gibson!

   once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

   This week the California gay marriage ban Proposition 8 was struck down the same day as the new 2011 IKEA catalog was unveiled. Coincidence?

   About that pumpkin.. line the cut edges with cooking oil to keep that jack-o'-lantern fresh for a longer time.

   The deaf can now also enjoy phone sex......... by texting

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   screaming obscenities at my computer because my essay is due tomorrow and it just crashed.  My name is X, and Windows 7 was my idea.

   Where would the world be without music?

   Bought a dog that gives up chasing a cat after about 10 seconds. So I'm calling it Quits.

   n't the problem with political jokes the fact that they keep getting re-elected? (

   I hope South Pole doesn't respond to increased North Pole activity with military exercises. Everybody settle down.

   I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet

   perfected the art of making Ramen Noodles in the microwave!

   Future Quotes, Quotations & Sayings I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.