Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   "I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.

   Ive waited in line an entire hour to vote, Ended up voting for some guy named Master Chief.

   what's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? the taste.

   Restarting the whole song because you missed your favorite line.

   The 911 operator told me being dead inside isn't an emergency if I'm still able to talk and breathe and stuff. Whatever.

   If you search “idiot” in google search, the page will do nothing. (Try it anyways)

   I'm beginning to think that "love" really doesn't mean much to tennis players...

   Anyone who says they DON"T fart, is full of s hit...

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to flog his hat on ebay. He's closed his papal account....

   today Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)....is it still legal to tell my gf to make me a sandwich?

   If a chick eats some expensive cuisine in a 5-star restaurant and does not post a pic of it on her FB wall, did it even happen?

   Dont you hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

   Can you guys in a relationship stop bragging please? Not all of us have a cat.

   I dont have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bulllllshhhiittttts!

   The worst STD you can get is a kid. That 1 doesn't go away for at least 18 years.

   The weather was terrible today. One person stole my thunder, and somebody else rained on my parade.

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.

   Sure, I'll attend your expensive pre-divorce ceremony

   wants to meet that hot brunette in that Christian Singles ad on the Facebook intro page :)