Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 911 operator told me being dead inside isn't an emergency if I'm still able to talk and breathe and stuff. Whatever.

   If you search “idiot” in google search, the page will do nothing. (Try it anyways)

   I'm beginning to think that "love" really doesn't mean much to tennis players...

   Anyone who says they DON"T fart, is full of s hit...

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to flog his hat on ebay. He's closed his papal account....

   today Obama signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)....is it still legal to tell my gf to make me a sandwich?

   If a chick eats some expensive cuisine in a 5-star restaurant and does not post a pic of it on her FB wall, did it even happen?

   Dont you hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

   Can you guys in a relationship stop bragging please? Not all of us have a cat.

   I dont have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bulllllshhhiittttts!

   The worst STD you can get is a kid. That 1 doesn't go away for at least 18 years.

   The weather was terrible today. One person stole my thunder, and somebody else rained on my parade.

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office playing on Facebook.

   Sure, I'll attend your expensive pre-divorce ceremony

   wants to meet that hot brunette in that Christian Singles ad on the Facebook intro page :)

   I've written "sorry about your cat" on WAY too many personal checks.

   I can't be the only person who has trouble pronouncing the words on the eye chart.

   Jesus take the wheel! No, seriously, all these signs are in Spanish and I can't read them!

   5 out of 6 people really enjoy Russian roulette.

   what I won't do for love......i might do for a klondike bar~!!!