Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.

   Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

   One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...

   A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge

   From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Being in hot water isn't so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

   You had me at "there's no security cameras."

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   some people should put professional victim on their resumé

   If there is anything I learned from 80's movies it's that I'm the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.