Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sure all the cold water dumping videos have just about cured cancer...

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   Q. What causes men to cheat? A. Women

   been talking to some friends about starting a Black Eye Peas tribute band....we're going to call ourselves Black Guy Pees

   Not to be insensitive, but this oil spill better not affect my access to delicious pelican meat.

   Man made alcohol, God made marijuana, who are you going to trust?

   There's a huge debt crisis in Greece. Apparently they've got bills.........they're multiplying.

   In these times, when a celebrity cheats on his wife with multiple women, he gets criticized and exploited everywhere. Back in the founding father days, a man cheats and his face ends up on the 1, 5, 10, 20, 50, and 100 dollar bill.

   wonders why we worry about 12 inches of snow when we are all at least 5 feet tall or so..we'll be ok

   thinks life is pleasant, death is peacefull... it's the transition that is troublesome.

   its not team edward or Jacob its team necrophilliac or team beastiality

   Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

   Poor planning on your part does not make it is an emergency on my part.

   Halloween is a great time to get rid of any expired or unused meds.

   Hillary and Trump already won. It's already been decided by the Illuminati and the lizard people from the center of the earth.

   Cuddling is all fun and games until somebody pitches a tent..

   I thought I saw an "Occupy Wall Street" support group tonight....Turns out it was just a dozen city cops occupying Dunkin' Donuts.

   Sitting on Santas lap and realising you're not the only excited one.

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing, "Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! "

   I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.