Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stevie Wonder just filed for divorce. He wanted to not see other people.

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through!

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner? No? Me neither.

   Let's leave Trump in the rear view mirror and get to work putting our country back in order.

   I'll start respecting religion when it starts respecting every human being equally regardless of race, gender, & sexuality.

   Muhammad Ali vs. Michael J. Fox - The Quickest Game of Jenga Ever

   Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.

   There are kinds of countries. Those that use the metric system, and those that have walked on the moon

   If Hell does exist, there are so many brilliant scientists in there it is probably air-conditioned by now...

   hey alcohol is a compound not a solution, guess you should have paid more attention in chemistry clss huh?

   whenever I walk onto a room the first thing that comes to my head is "I'm better than everyone in here"

   what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? full

   fighting the financial crisis

   Women are like computers....... They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

   Monica Lewinsky turned 46. Seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees..

   "May the LORD, the God of your fathers, increase you a thousand times and bless you as he has promised!" Deuteronomy 1:11

   Gay Drive by: They pull up in a pink ford focus, Throw skittles and shout "TASTE THE RAINBOW BIT$H!"

   You can take the "trash" out of the trailer, but you can't take the "trailer" out of the trash.