Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a guy here at work who calls me "Chief." There's another a guy here who calls me "Partner." They must think I'm a double-agent in some secret Cowboys and Indians war.

   BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I'm stuck in a tree.

   [live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question

   Just paid $3 to beat level 79! FML #candycrushproblems

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   Happy Mardi Gras Everyone! now show me your boobs!!!! :)

   For those of you that were wondering about my brackets: [ ] { } [ ] { } and [ ] { }

   Easter reminds me of how boring my death will probably be.

   My 2013 resolution is for everyone else to gain 50 pounds.

   found out through fb hockey is back... I never knew it was gone

   Life Fact #37: it's impossible to have a bad day when you're wearing 'Hello Kitty' underpants ツ

   Getting a guy to walk me home and then stabbing him will never get old.

   There are three stages of a man's life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.

   Dos Equis: Death once had a "near him" experience.

   Dear Lord please help me be strong enough not to share my political views on Facebook so I do not offend half the people I know. Amen. There I said it. Go Broncos!!!!

   Don't get my attitude confused with my personality. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

   I love spending money as much as my government does.

   So they legalize marijuana and then get rid of Twinkies? Is our government playing some kind of cruel joke on us?

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.