Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you do not change direction,u may end up where you are going

   For english please press uno. WTH is going on here

   I'm right 97% of the time...so why does my wife always find fault with the other 4% ?

   When I was young, I always thought that old people walk the way they do because they crapped their pants. Now that I'm older I know why. It's because they crapped their pants. 

   I don't know how the Canadian anthem isn't just people apologizing.

   8 corvettes fall into a giant sinkhole. Normally there is a giant hole inside a corvette, not the other way around.

   I will still be nude when reading Playboy.

   Kidney stones, Hemorrhoids, Syphilis, or President...None I want to feel the Burn

   ... NOT LONG AGO GM WAS BUILDING CARS IN FLINT MICHIGAN AND YOU COULDN'T DRINK THE WATER IN MEXICO AFTER YEARS OF HELP FROM OBAMA AND THE US GOVERNMENT GM NOW BUILDS CARS IN MEXICO AND YOU CAN'T DRINK THE WATER IN FLINT ... BOOM!

   I know just enough Spanish to buy the drugs I like.

   The curvy girl gets the worm.

   As I looked at my wife in her coma, I said to the doctor, 'That's it. Turn off the machine, I've given up hope'. 'Sir', he replied 'Your wife has been in that coma for 6 minutes'.

   The only reason Barbie never got pregnant, was Ken came in a different box.

   The real reason women live longer than men is because they don't have to live with women.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small" ~ Mrs Grinch.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. Who needs help being better than just average?

   The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.

   Pope Francis denounces the Mafia. Talk about the kettle calling the pot black.

   f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

   Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small,large,circle,square,thin crust, thick crust,stuffed crust,extra toppings.