Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Squirrels - Nature's Speedbumps

   Tebow is now the most famous white bronco since OJ's truck.

   The Dems want everyone to vote by mail but Pelosi just called Congress back to DC so they could vote...

   Hey, congratulations to the Obamas, who are celebrating their wedding anniversary today. They were going to go out to dinner, but they couldn’t find a sitter for Biden.

   Plan-Demic Cruelty. Let us never forget, was unleashed on the world intentionally one week after the failed impeachment hoax.

   A man hits his wife with a car, whose fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

   Im like cocaine: I'm white, highly addictive and ladies usually leave the bathroom with me on their face..

   Don't have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..

   The celebration of single moms on fathers day blows me! Single moms do some amazing things but being a father isn't one of them.

   LENO GIVER - When someone retires from a legendary television franchise, passes the torch to a worthy successor. Then he gets bored and starts a new show which stinks and then asks for their old job back by firing the successor." He's a leno giver"

   likes movies where the guy gets the girl in the end. That's why I like porn@ movies, because the guy usually gets the girl in both ends.

   I don't know if anyone been in the new Mus-lim clothing store in the mall but I suggest you don't ask if they have any bomber jackets in stock....They didn't like that at all.

   Was that "wadup yo" directed at me? Euah. Okay, well, I think that was a yes... No brah, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak hood. Now pull up your pants! How are idiots like this in college? Friggen STUPID!

   Alternate use for bags - Make democrats fu.ckable

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job..... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name, amen".

   The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

   We blame society, but we are society..

   Governments that try to control the Internet are SOPAthetic.

   I had no idea Joan Rivers could sing!"

   A woman is a fantastic substitute for masturbation.