Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   Vodka+Ice damages your kidney. Rum+Ice damages your liver. Whiskey+Ice damages your heart. Gin+Ice damages your brain. Damn Ice, how much more damage can you cause?

   You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.

   doesn't want to follow you on twitter because you're not going anywhere.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.

   Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.

   Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...

   I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

   When I win the $118.8 Million cash prize tonight I'm not going to quit work, but I am going to see just how long it takes me to get fired.

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures.

   Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

   Republicans vs Democrats...ready...set...waste time!

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over