Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   "Really, Americans get a bad rap for being fat & gluttonous" I told my foreign friend as I turned to page 76 in my Cheesecake Factory Menu.

   Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

   “Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but then get mad when they don't get it?

   When the Redskins change their name it is my hope the cowboys from Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas make sure Jerry Jones changes the name of his team so Cowboys won't be portrayed as PUSSIES.

   the FDA can approve breast implants so why cant they decide that medicinal weed is ok everywhere?.... I haven't seen an autopsy where "small boobs" was cause of death.

   How about something colder than a bucket full of ice? Like a bucket full of your exes hearts.

   Read an interesting article about the "iPod" at the doctor's office today.

   "Filmed in front of a live studio audience"? I guess thats better than in front of a bunch of zombies.

   I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.

   *John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.

   Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   when your opponent puts up their fists to fight they expose their hips. grab them and you can slow dance for at least 2 seconds

   If I had to choose between ending world hunger, or having Kimye forever banished to Siberia, I'm sorry, but there would still be a lot of hungry people around. Just sayin'...

   We have so much in common, you want to travel, I want you to go.

   Apparently “bae” means “before anyone else.” I always thought it was an extremely ghetto word for “babe”...

   I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.