Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

   Doctors are such teases. First, they coax you into dropping your pants. Then, they don't even let you finish.

   I am the 0.001% that doesn't cheat in relationships.

   I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.

   FML #18402392Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip.

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   The look on people's faces while waiting at a bus stop is the same look children make when they can't have any candy.

   It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

   You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting

   "The Lucky One"?, More like the unlucky one's who get dragged to that movie by their gf or spouse.

   My karma punch card is going to be full after today:)

   When money 'talks' nobody checks the grammar..

   NFL Draft tonight....can't wait to hear the Jets fans moan about their 1st choice!

   What I do when I'm hungry: ( ) get up and get food (x) moan like a dying whale until someone feeds me

   I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.

   I need a bigger grill. And I'm not talking about the gold bubba teeth.

   I am the author of my life, Unfortunately I am writing in pen, So I cant erase my mistakes

   I have been watching that new reality show on the History channel...I had no idea that Bill Paxton hated Kevin Costner....

   Just when Justin Bieber was gaining street creds by roughing up that photographer, he goes and knocks himself out.