Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm forever grateful that I became a parent n the age of Bluray, portable DVD players, smartphones and iPads.

   I'm sorry I made sex noises while the waiter was reading the specials.

   I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I'd like another one!"

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity

   Does the 5 Second Rule apply to bass drops?

   How come LL Cool J licks his lips and all the women think its sexy, but I do it and I get escorted out of Victoria's Secret AND the mall?

   Lazy Rule #8: Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again...;;)

   "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." - Albert Einstein

   HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - I was shopping for condoms and she asked if I knew how to use them.

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

   Doctors are such teases. First, they coax you into dropping your pants. Then, they don't even let you finish.

   I am the 0.001% that doesn't cheat in relationships.

   I've got 98.998 problems and rounding up numbers is one of them.

   FML #18402392Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paper clip.

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   The look on people's faces while waiting at a bus stop is the same look children make when they can't have any candy.

   It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

   You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting

   "The Lucky One"?, More like the unlucky one's who get dragged to that movie by their gf or spouse.