Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Desperate Housewives is on my TV.... I am DESPERATE trying to find the remote to turn this crap off!!

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   I hate when ppl are like "Hey, what kinda shot is this?" Idk the stfu and take it cause its a free shot

   What starts with P and ends with ORN? Popcorn your pervert!

   So this midget walks into a mini bar........

   I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   If I started my own Chip Company, I'd fill the bags to the top!

   Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money.

   There was an Amber Alert the other day. I thought it meant that the stores were out of beer.

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   "I don't want anyone to know I'm the one who said this" - Anonymous

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Officer, I promise this weed is prescription, it's for my pathological lying!!

   Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This activated the iNag software update

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   See what happens when you push me, ________________________ I draw the line.

   Feel bad for eating sushi at my desk in front of my goldfish.

   my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.

   If I wanted to know whats on your mind I'd splatter it on the wall and see for myself.