Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money.

   There was an Amber Alert the other day. I thought it meant that the stores were out of beer.

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   "I don't want anyone to know I'm the one who said this" - Anonymous

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Officer, I promise this weed is prescription, it's for my pathological lying!!

   Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This activated the iNag software update

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   See what happens when you push me, ________________________ I draw the line.

   wondering why there are Interstate highways in Hawaii?

   I want to play hookie from work and have as much fun and fit as much in as Ferris Bueller did in the

   i believe global warning as much as I do the weather man....

   "Blonde men aren't dumb, they're evil. Like in the Karate Kid and World War II." - Bart Simpson

   officially changing her TV remote's name to Waldo.

   Statistics show that 9 out of 10 can' t handle this!

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"

   It appears to me that Brett Favre was fined $25k per inch in the Jen Sterger affair.....

   The Golden Globes are on, wonder if Charlie Sheen will win for 2 and 1/2 men or is that One man, 5 hookers, lots of Alcohol and a bag full of cocaine..

   watching Yellow Submarine. So this is what it feels like to be high.

   Feel bad for eating sushi at my desk in front of my goldfish.