Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was an Amber Alert the other day. I thought it meant that the stores were out of beer.

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   "I don't want anyone to know I'm the one who said this" - Anonymous

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Officer, I promise this weed is prescription, it's for my pathological lying!!

   Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This activated the iNag software update

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   See what happens when you push me, ________________________ I draw the line.

   Feel bad for eating sushi at my desk in front of my goldfish.

   my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.

   If I wanted to know whats on your mind I'd splatter it on the wall and see for myself.

   Sometimes I miss you so much,I just want to rip you out of my dreams and hug you!

   I want to play hookie from work and have as much fun and fit as much in as Ferris Bueller did in the

   i believe global warning as much as I do the weather man....

   "Blonde men aren't dumb, they're evil. Like in the Karate Kid and World War II." - Bart Simpson

   wonders who is good at following directions. everyone press ALT + F4

   wondering why there are Interstate highways in Hawaii?

   officially changing her TV remote's name to Waldo.

   Statistics show that 9 out of 10 can' t handle this!

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"