Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just loaned my friend $10,000 to get a face lift. Now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like.

   If your name is on your shirt, you are considered lower class. If it's on the door where you work you're middle class. If it's on the building, upper class(looks at shirt) Crap!!!

   The truth shall set you free. Unless its from an incriminating witnessed then you're screwed!

   Snoop Dog carries an umbrella!!!! Fo Drizzle...

   My wife asked me "when youre on a boys weekend do you think of me?" apparently 'only to stop me coming too soon' was the wrong answer!

   "What's the point of winning all these golden covered Grammys if there isn't chocolate in the middle?" - Adele

   I wish the dollar store sold sex.

   Hey get the joke right, it should be: The Dali lama walks into a pizza joint the cashier says can I help you and the Dali says make me one with everything,

   Found out my father is voting for Hillary, which is strange since he died in 2004

   TOO bad we dont still have Obama as president... I'm sure a certain religon wants an apology for not having alot more people on the Westminster bridge

   I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

   I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please...

   Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?

   Just found out this Beanie Baby collection was not a great investment.

   S.H.I.T. So Happy It's Thursday!!!

   What are the three fastest forms of communication? Television, telephone, tellawoman.

   I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!

   As a girl walks into a typical club, she mentally prepares to be hit on by everything with a penis.

   "My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   Steve Jobs' text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" autocorrect gone bad strikes again!