Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   INSTALLING SPRING... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Spring" cannot be l

   You know you were raised Catholic when you're watching Star Wars and hear "the force be with you" and you respond "and also with you."

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   happy that the "balloon boy" is safe...for a minute there I thought maybe Michael Jackson ordered carry-out from heaven!

   7-11, mini-mart, and several gas stations will be closed due to a death in the family...

   Condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

   What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it.

   The oriental man next door is SO nice!! he just came and asked if he could Wok my dog!! I was like "sure, I'll get the leash" Must have went a long ways, he still hasn't brought my dog back and it's been 3 days....

   Jobless claims went down this month only after the Obama administration laid-off California.

   Someone once told me "you'll never gonna forget me". I don't remember who that was.

   thnks you can observe alot just by watching

   Nothing good can come from marrying a guy named Jesse James.

   If you say “gullible” slow enough…it sounds like “orange”!

   I like my coffee so dark it gets beaten up by the police.

   Here's what's happened in Wisconsin. The people who earn the money to pay these public sector workers -- for the first time -- have somebody representing them.

   I'm proud to be an infidel

   Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door..... But his girlfriend was dead against it

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac!

   If I buy a teddy bear for $5, name it Mohammed and sell it for $10, have I made of prophet?